I would have been around him all weekend if I had accepted his invite to hang out with him and his friends today. I couldn’t find it in me to manage it though…I’m a masochist. I’m addicted to his company, but the pain after is excruciating. I’m suppose to be getting better at this. I knew I shouldn’t have left myself alone today.
I told him there was a job I was considering in New England, and he right out said, “I don’t want you to go…” Why does he keep doing this? Making statements that become branded into my mind and sear whatever heart I have left only to be violently reminded that such a reality is impossible.
Maybe it’s just me. I take every statement, every sigh, every gesture he makes and analyze it against my will. He probably meant nothing by it, because he quickly retorted with, “I mean, you’re finally established with a life and friends and you’ve waited your entire life for that.” He’s not wrong.
"I saw it, I wanted it and I couldn’t pursue it. I couldn’t have it…you" How can you just say that and move on?
I’m afraid that my overwhelming emotions are fucking with my perception of reality. I can’t stand to allow myself to see hope where there is none.
I’m not strong enough for this.